What am I saying? It takes a lot of courage to open up one’s life to any stranger or acquaintance, in general and even to a close friend, in particular especially when it has something to do with a black page in your life. But, what will happen when that black page you keep for more than 30 years become public and transparent? Would you ran away, or just pretend it didn’t happen, if at all? I’m sure you couldn’t even think straight if you’re wearing my shoes.

I mentioned in my last post that I resigned from my Bible teaching career–that was 3 months ago. That resignation is untimely in its truest sense. I said untimely, it’s because I thought I can still get away from a scandalous issue until the end of the semester. Unfortunately, I was quite naive at that time since in reality, it turned out to be a “nightmare in the making”. I was advised by the school admin to resign so that it will not be too hard for me  to take if days or weeks after I will be terminated if found guilty.

Of course, I chose to resign. All I thought I did a good job with such a decision. I was wrong. The issue I was facing becomes a ghost that keeps coming over and over again and will prevail until such time I may decide to find my mate. I hope so.

What makes the matter worst? Just this week, I faced one crucial decision of leaving the music team I cared so much. G-First Band was created more than 10 years ago and I am one of its founding members. I manage to create songs for that band until this week. I really don’t want to make a scene as I respect the people I worked with. I understand their intentions and I respect it as much as they respect our higher cause. We have to defend it, indeed.

I have mixed emotions. It took me too long to face the real thing. At last, they decided to suspend me, though, as they say, it’s just temporary. But, I really don’t know if I can trust that decision. No one knows the future of course. With majority of my composed songs included in that recording, how I wished I am still part of the group singing songs I wrote like, “SA DALAN MO.” My name could not even be found in the final CD as its original composer not to mention 8 of the songs are my own. It makes my heart sank, and my mouth dropped, my stomach even stings. I can’t do something about it. At least, not now.

What remains in me is the campus ministry I personally supervised. If people around would start to chase me down the alley and submit me to the higher tribunal, then that would be the end of my story. I would then be history. I do hope and pray the strength of the Lord would carry me through this hardest times of my life. Without Him, I really would be crushed to pieces right at this moment. To the people who has the ministry of prayer and reconciliation, please bring my name in your prayers to the mercy seat of God so that I can be enlivened by the Spirit of God.

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I’ve been discussing one of my subjects (Leadership Principles) in school just this morning. It so happened that one of my students was having a hard time in his leadership position in the Student Body Organization and he tried to convince me that he was not called to lead. He keeps on reiterating the notion that not everyone has the gift of leadership. I told him the exact opposite of what he wanted to hear.

With all gusto, I put both of my foot forward as I emphasized the principle that everyone called for the ministry has been given a unique gift by God and should be practiced according to the uniqueness of that call. One is called to lead songs, lead worship, govern the church, so on and so forth. Some people were even called to hold leadership positions in the beautification committee of the church. And the fact that he came to school to study qualifies him to become what God wanted him to be in serving his generation.

Furthermore, he believes that he was weak enough to lead and his personality speaks of the truth. Upon seeing his pessimistic attitude, his classmates could not help but share what they think is good and best for him. Psychology may call it “inferiority complex” but I am persuaded that it is simply an old but effective strategy of the devil in deceiving God’s elect.

We end our discussion without much positive response but, I think, if he will just deliberately absorb the whole matter and meditate upon it, slowly, but surely, he can sense and identify the spirit of deception working through him. After a thorough examination of himself, he can then be totally free from that predicament by humbling himself down and accepts the fact that he has spiritual difficulties understanding that basic principles of leadership and, therefore, needs the ministry of deliverance. In so doing, his potential to lead will be enhanced to the highest level as he fights against his weakness in God’s grace.

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